so i spend the night acting like some kind of freak, but at least its less bad as last night. Last night i went to bed not sure of what would be worse, to toss myself from my third floor window to the paved ally and live , or to do it and die. both have advantages. Tonight had the advantage of being FUCkED up enough to hold off the more potentially damaging thoughts. Like if i could make a decision the other night tonight would not have existed for me at all.
I'm not some emo fuck. i prefer rage to loathing every time... it’s just i know. And knowing i need to be distracted at all times.
it is true insanity to live to better your future and at the same time have to live to live in a way that the next moment is impossible just to make life ok to live. I have been trained to not allow what i am to be. my rage my hate my hunter-gatherer kill instinct all but completely castrated.
Its ok that i wonder amongst your aged and week. i have no "kill" thats not constrained by some type of guilt or self-loathing. the only question my logic forces to linger is "why?". Why must i have an existence that i cant end for fear of causing my mother’s tears, and potentially causing an emotional train wreak in the children unfortunate enough to be my acquaintance.
Why do i care, for feelings left in a world that i know will have no bearing on me once my mind ceases to exist. but that i don’t want to be remembered poorly by those that on occasion may remember me.
Perhaps rather than looking at why death is undo-able i ought to look at why life is unliveable. But both situations come to the same facts. i am no good at being a good person. All i wish from the world requires others to alter themselves so deeply they may as well not be them.
i have for years told others that there are 2 type of people in the world, those who fell down the bunny hole and went AAAHHHH and those that fell and went WEEEE. I have never before entered the plight of those who have been traversing this subterranean labyrinth so long that the weee has turned to an oppressive boredom.
Anyway this an Apocalypse post, and all i have to tell you is the stupid expected the Apocalypse to be an event. we never saw that it would be slow and simple and for the most part very much like yesterday. That’s why the scholars call it pre-post-apocalyptic. Cause there was no actual moment we can call the Apocalypse, but we can defiantly say that pre was ok and post sucked. .. so like i was saying ,...
It wasn't so much surviving the Apocalypse, it was allot more about questioning (in a true post-modern way) weather it ought to have been relevant...b and who the fuck knows?
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